what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
