She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
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I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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