I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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