Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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