Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
