My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
