She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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