So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
