i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.