he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.