Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you win again, gameday.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
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It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
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When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on