I'm passing your future prison.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.