Sorry, I don't speak sober.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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