You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
