If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
