Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
