she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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