32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
make that 40.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
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All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
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I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
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Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.