I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.