...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
