I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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