Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
