I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
