like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
