I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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