This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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