I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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