I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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