My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
