I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
