i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
