I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
