I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He did a backflip because drugs
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