ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then he tried to convert me to islam
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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