Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
