Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize