The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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