Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
