i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
