I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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