fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
