there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
