If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
