Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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