I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
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