dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i used baking grease as lip gloss
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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