No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
