i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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