so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize