dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
