need another drink. this is the easiest way
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
