just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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