Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
