The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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