We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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