he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
