She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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