i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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