god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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