I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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