All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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