I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
