I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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